Alone
by 101spacemonkey
Summary: Daniel gets left behind and the team have to face the consequences. -trig SH-
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** i don't own the whole stargate world, shame, i would take such good care of it...

**A/N:** i will update this eventually, i just have a sore wrist at the moment and what with lots of work and that, i have pretty much no free time.

Daniel could feel the heat of the hand device still residing on his forehead. He was alone. He had lost his team. He had failed them. He could still see them screaming at him for help as lost consciousness, no one could have survived what had happened to them, and then the next thing he knew he had woken up here, in this cold damp cell. He shivered as the memories of the previous day assailed him and prevented him from resting. Every little noise he heard scared him half to death, without his team he was nothing. Images of their smiling faces haunted him. They were dead and it was his fault, he could feel warm tears flow freely down his face streaking the dirt that had accumulated there. 'I'm sorry' he sobbed the words half choking in his throat. He wrapped his arms around his raised knees and rocked back and forth, his head bent forward.

He suddenly returned his attention o the reality that he was in when he heard footsteps coming down the corridor, the First Prime had returned. The door to his cell opened and he flinched as the light that shone in blinded him. He didn't fight as the Jaffa who followed the first prime lifted him to his feet and dragged him. 'You deserve this' a voice muttered in his head, 'you let them die, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!' 'No I didn't... I couldn't help them, I...' cried Daniel aloud, thought the Jaffa took no notice, 'failed them' the voice laughed.

The days went past in a blur. He was taken to the 'snake' at least once a day, sometimes more, depending on whether it need entertainment, in the form of him writhing in pain. It had always wanted answers, though answers to what Daniel did not know, those answers had left him long ago and were a long lost memory that had been swept away in his pain and guilt. It had screamed at him for information about a code, for locations about a race called the tok'ra. Daniel could only laugh, he had no answers to give and somehow it pleased him to see it get angry at this. He felt hollow inside, his cell had become his home, since his team had died he had no-one. The team had been his family, the only people who had cared about him, 'like I deserved their friendship, look how I repaid it' he said quietly to himself. He had been talking to himself for so long now that he couldn't remember when it had become such a need, granted in his past life he would have muttered to himself, but know he held full blown conversations, the voice that yelled in his head was too much to take and thinking into himself had made him feel claustrophobic and more trapped than he currently was.

The days were long and dark, the food was practically nonexistent and he laughed despite the pain it cause his dry throat as he glanced down at his shirt that now hung off him, the outline of his ribs clearly visible through the rips in the material. He could fell it in his heart, acceptance that this was his punishment for their deaths, he relished the pain that it inflicted on him, it made him feel alive and prevented him from forgetting why he was there.

As the footsteps down the corridor grew louder, Daniel braced himself, he knew what to expect by now, it was the same old routine, and he longed for new ways in which to feel pain. The door to his cell was burst open, Daniel actually looked up to see what was happening, hoping that at last the old routine would be broken for a new one.

What he saw was Jack standing in the doorway, smiling at him, but an immense hurt badly hidden behind his eyes, 'oh, God Daniel!' he exclaimed on seeing his friend. Daniel had been left behind, and no-one got left behind, but the rescue mission had taken forever to appear, there had been those who had felt the removal of Daniel from the SGC had actually been a benefit and had tried everything within their power to stop the rescue mission. Jack had been driven crazy as had Sam and Teal'c once they had woken up in the infirmary to discover the lack of his Daniel, his Danny, his spacemonkey.

Sam came quickly behind Jack; 'is he here sir?' she looked over and saw Daniel huddled in the corner staring at them his eyes filled with fear. She had to take a step back, a hand automatically flying up to her mouth. Teal'c, who had just arrived on the scene, simply remained silent, watching as the scene unfolded.

Daniels hart thundered in his chest and in his ears, the team, but they were dead and it was his fault, now they were here to remind him. He couldn't take his eyes off them. He was petrified; he quickly fled into the corner of the cell, seeking the all consuming shadows. He needed to get away he didn't want to face the truth, his team was dead and now they were haunting him. He glanced out from his hiding place to check if they were still there, they were still at the door, not moving, he banged his head repeatedly against the head trying to remove the image of them, hoping it would stop his mind from making him see them.

'Danny, no!' shouted Jack as Daniel began to smash his head against the wall. Daniel could feel arms wrapping around him, and he only hit the wall harder, they weren't going to get him, he couldn't face it. Darkness blurred his vision, a warm stick substance was now coating most of his face, and he gave in to the darkness, the last thing he saw was jack looking down at him, a smile spread across his face as he felt safe and away from the invading spectres that had tried to take him, 'you're not going to get me' he muttered to himself as he lost consciousness.

Jack watched as Daniel whacked his head harder against the wall, he fought him, wrapping his arms around him to pull him away from the wall, Daniel just seemed to go limp in his arms, a smile spread across his face as he muttered, ' you're not going to get me' Jacks heart broke. He had been too late, he had failed Daniel. He lifted Daniel and carried him from the room, everyone was quiet, Sam, Teal'c and SG-3 just quietly watched as Jack strode past them, with Daniel in his arms. Everyone followed as Jack marched off into the distance heading towards the Stargate. Sam ran up ahead to dial the gate, Jack however never acknowledged her action, but strode through the now open wormhole back to earth.

Chaos broke out as Jack emerged from the event horizon, everything happened in a blur, Daniel was pried from his arms and whisked off to the infirmary, he was losing him again, he fought the orderlies, ignoring the shouts from General Hammond, hardly noticing as Sam and Teal'c held him back. He just fell into their arms, slowly sinking down towards the ramp, and put his head into his hands.

Daniel awoke, he wasn't in his cell. He nervously glanced around ignoring the pain this caused to his head; he could see his team around him. He was in the infirmary. He brought his knees up to his chest, feeling the coarse material of the infirmary sheets against his legs. Jack was awake now; he had fallen asleep, seeing movement from Daniel he cheerfully cried, 'hello, sleeping beauty!' Daniel flinched. Jacks smile faded and he called for Frasier, 'Doc, he's up!' Daniel just seemed to try to make himself smaller.

Janet quickly pushed back the curtain surrounding Daniels bed, glad to see him awake, 'so how's my favourite patient?' Daniel didn't respond. Instead he just glanced away from her, appearing to be more interested in the sheets that surrounded him. Janet unperturbed, moved forward and put an arm on his shoulder, Daniel just suddenly freaked and retreated further up the bed. Janet bit her lip thoughtfully. She turned around to the team, 'you're going to have to go' the shouts of protest were silenced as she raised her hand, 'I'm not leaving' shouted jack, using the silence make his point heard, 'he needs to be around us, we're familiar to him, he needs that' Janet relented, 'fine you can stay, the rest of you will have to go though' Sam and Teal'c left, both making their farewells to Daniel, with Sam promising Chocolate Walnut Cookies on her return.

Jack watched as Janet tried to do an examination and Daniel simply tried to get away, he wasn't being violent, just trying to avoid anyone's gaze and touch. Jack stood quickly as Daniel avoided Janet for the fifth time, he was over to Daniel in a second, he grabbed his head and stared straight at Daniel, 'you're safe here, whatever is going on in your head, its... we rescued you, we tried to get there sooner, I'm sorry it took so long, but... look I'm sorry, just get back to me' Daniel was looking a Jack petrified, he couldn't remove his blue eyes from Jacks. Jack stepped back, shaking Daniel however simply looked up at him and said, 'I'm sorry'

'No, Danny there's nothing to be sorry for, this is not your fault, what they did, you're not responsible' replied Jack, happy that Daniel had responded.

'I-I got you killed, you're not real, leave me alone!' shouted Daniel. He quickly glanced down and rested his head on the top of his knees.

Jack and Janet simply stood shell shocked at this revelation. Jack suddenly understood what had happened in the cell. Is heart seems to be being squeezed. He waved off Janet. Janet understood his need to be alone with Daniel. He took a seat next to him and placed his hand on Daniels shoulder but removed it quickly as if he had been burnt as Daniel flinched.

'Danny, I'm not dead, we were ambushed, they captured you, we were all seriously injured in the fight, I tried to get to you, but I-I couldn't, there were just to many, we had to retreat, Carter was in a serious condition, I had to get her back' Jack hoped that his revelation would allow for Daniel to do the same. Daniel however didn't reply, though he did appear to hear him. Jack felt the fickle flame of hope rise in his heart.

**A/N**: please review! it will make me update sooner! and remember reviews are love! oh, P.S can you do songfics on this website?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer;** i dont own Stargate though i wish i did, travel to another world would be cool. freedom from reality.

**A/N;** its been a while since i have been able to update anything, too much work, no free time, etc isnt it always the way! in between hurting my wrist and getting a bit ill as well as a youth work trip to Italy.

It had been a few says since Daniel had been returned to the SGC and still there hadn't been much improvement in his condition. Attempts to get Daniels attention caused chaos as he pushed himself further up the bed avoiding contact of any sort.

Jack sighed as he watched Daniel flinch away from carter for the fourth time in 20 minutes. He had tried to reason with Daniel that he was real, and not a figment of Daniels imagination or a ghost.

Jack ran his fingers through his hair. He was gray before his time, and the person responsible was sitting curled into themselves on the infirmary bed in front of him. He needed to get through to Daniel. He had to. Mackenzie had apparently shown an interest in Daniel. Jack wouldn't allow that man near Daniel; he had to protect him from that smug git. Mackenzie was apparently saying he had known it all along, that Daniel had finally succumbed to Schizophrenia, and that it was all because of his prolonged exposure to the gate.

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Daniel glanced furtively over at Jack. It looked like Jack, but it couldn't be, it just couldn't be. Jack was dead. He squeezed closed his eyes, ignoring the pain as the voices in his head taunted him. 'You killed them, it's all your fault' they sang.

He idly scratched at his bandaged arms, rubbing at the skin that he could get to. He kept looking around, scared someone would see. He sighed a breath of relief as his nails ripped the flesh on his arms. It was like the pressure that had been building inside had suddenly dissipated. The voices had stoped. But then, the background shouts of the voices returned, although quiet they were slowly building. He scratched again at his arms, this time digging deeper, allowing blood to slowly bud on the surface of his arms.

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Sam was tired. She had tried all she could think of to get a response from Daniel; he just seemed to be in a world of his own. The Colonel had informed her of Daniels revelation. It had felt as if an ice hand had clamped down on her heart. She couldn't believe it. How could Daniel believe that they had died? How could they convince him otherwise?

She looked down at her scattered notes and sighed. The worry over Daniel had led her down the merry path of work. She was surrounded by it, and there was no escape. Just as there was no escape from the realisation that Daniel may be lost to them.

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Teal'c breathed in deeply as he sat on the floor of his room. His attempts at Kel'no'reem had been unsuccessful. The candles that surrounded him flickered, casting shadows on the wall that playfully danced, enticing him, and yet teasing him, their twisting shapes reflecting that which he had seen in the eyes of Daniel Jackson.

He closed his eyes and tried again.

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Jack looked up. Daniel was scratching at his arms. Jack quickly reached out and pulled Daniels arms apart, 'No, Daniel don't!' the commotion brought Janet flying into the curtained cubicle.

'Colonel! What's wrong!?' Daniel was looking terrified as Jack gripped onto his arms, struggling to get away. The blood that had begun to flow freely from his arms seeping through Jacks fingers. 'He's injuring himself!'

'Release him now Colonel' Jack slowly released his grip on Daniel. And Daniel scurried up the bed. Janet slowly approached as the Colonel stood up and watched. 'Daniel, I need to see your arms' she smiled. Daniel quickly glanced up, and then looked down again, staring at his arms. Janet could see the damage, considering this had obviously been caused by Daniels own nails, the damage was quite bad. The blood was flowing freely from his lacerated wounds and staining his bandages covering his numerous other injuries.

Janet shook her head. This was bad. Daniel needed help, and the SGC couldn't provide it. 'Colonel, we need to talk'

Jack, who had been transfixed, looked up and stared straight into Janet's eyes. What he saw scared him. Defeat. He followed her out of the curtain. Janet closed it behind her. 'Colonel, he needs help, and I can't provide it. I don't want to say this, but Mackenzie might be able to him...'

Jack exploded, 'WHAT! That quack, no Doc, that's not going to happen, I'll help him, I've helped him in the past, Mackenzie' Jack bit his lip and shook his head, 'he never helped him, he just drugged him and locked him, he is no better than a goa'ould'

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Daniel sat rocking back and forth locked in a self hug. Jack was yelling. He flinched back. Jack was angry he had scratched at his arms? Did that mean he cared? If he cared he must be real right? 'NO!' shouted a voice in his head. His arms flew up and his hands clamped his head, 'No, No, No, No...' he shouted out loud.

Jack heard the shouts and came running back into the cubicle. Daniel was obviously distressed. Janet was following close behind, 'see what you've done' he spat at her, he was in a rage, and immediately felt guilty as she flinched back and a look of hurt crossed her eyes. Janet didn't want Daniel to end up with Mackenzie anymore than he did, but she was just doing her job. 'I'm sorry Janet, I... well look what happens when we even mention that son of a bitchs name!'

'Give me a chance Janet, let me take him fishing or something, take things back to what they were, a team vacation, we are due one' he pleaded.

Janet looked at the Colonel, she understood his anger. She didn't want Mackenzie back in Daniels life. She could feel Jack staring at her as she slowly thought over his proposal. Daniels first real interaction had occurred with the Colonel; they had a pre existing relationship, and a fairly solid one at that. If anyone might be able to help, then she supposed it would be him. At the hands of Mackenzie it was likely that Daniel would be overdosing daily on Antipsychotic medicines, and as a result his condition would worsen and his symptoms would to, so they would up the dosage, a vicious circle that would destroy what there was left to salvage of Daniel. She looked the Colonel in the eyes, 'I will sign the medical release forms, so he is in your care, I will give you a list of what pills he needs and when, and what food he is not allowed, you I assume will go discuss leave with the general now, before I change my mind'

Jacks face lit up, 'do you hear that Danny!' although he didn't respond. Jack set off at a run to find the General.

**A/N;** please review, as i have been out of the game so to speak for a while, all reviews are very welcome. reviewslove


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** i dont own Stargate SG-1, i only wish i did

**A/N: **i know its beena while, please forgive me, im not sure about this chapter, so please review.

Jack silently watched Daniel.

'Jack?'

'Yes?'

'None of it means anything, I've tried, it just… it goes away.'

'Danny…'

'Why am I even talking to you, your dead'

With that Daniel returned to his silence.

Jack sighed. Standing up he went to the fridge and grabbed some beer. He knew Janet would kill him if she knew, but what she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

Returning to his sofa, he reached over and handed the beer into Daniels limp hand.

He sighed. 'Danny?'

Silence.

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The next day Jack had tried to get Daniel to truly respond. So he took him fishing.

'Ah, Danny! The great outdoors, can't get much better than this eh? Nothing but trees and rocks, do you hear that Danny, ROCKS! Lots of 'em just waiting for your magic touch'

Silence, but Daniel looked up as if he had heard him.

Suddenly Daniel sighed, 'they aren't normally rocks, they are artefacts, however today they are indeed rocks, you never listen.'

Jack pushed the boat away from the dock and slowly steered it to the middle of the lake.

'Daniel please, open up to me, I can see your arms. I'm not blind; I know what you are doing.'

Daniel just stared at him.

'How can I prove I'm real?' Jack sighed.

'You can't'

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Sam arrived that night, chocolate walnut cookies in tow.

Jack had told her about today's uneventful fishing trip and asked her to bring the reports on the mission. Janet was bringing the medical reports.

Jack had phoned Hammond earlier that day and requested the files to be allowed off base. Given the circumstances, the general had agreed.

The smell of burnt meat wafted through the air towards Sam, and she ruffled Daniels hair, 'smells like the Colonels cooking!'

Daniel glanced up at her, and she could have sworn she saw him smile.

Taking her chance she knelt beside him. 'Daniel I have the reports on the mission, please read them, I need you to believe we are real'

Janet glanced over, she saw Sam talking to Daniel, slowly walking over, she looked him in the eyes, 'I brought the medical reports, I tried to get the recordings of some of the transmissions as the team gated back, but they are still on base'

Daniel nodded.

Janet hated to see her favourite patient so silent, Cassandra ran over to Janet, 'what's wrong with Uncle Daniel?' she cried.

'He's not feeling good, sweetheart.' She replied.

Sam chipped in, 'why don't you try to cheer him up?'

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As the night continued, everyone quietly watched as Daniel seemed to open up more to Cassandra.

They all hoped it was for good.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Once everyone was gone, Jack tried to help Daniel to his room. He was still injured.

But Daniel was as stubborn as always, and silently rebuffed Jacks offers of help.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Once alone, Daniel scratched at his arms. He had drawn blood when he realised that Jack would see the scratches.

Part of him argued that, this Jack wasn't real, either way; he couldn't face the awkward conversation Jack would try to start if he saw his arms.

Sitting in his boxers he silently turned his attention to his thighs.

This was none of Jacks business. This was his and his alone. Each cut, dug into him deep, pulling at his soul, but strangely the sight of blood pooling on his thighs was comforting. He had control, he choose to do this, no-one else did.

**A/N: **reviews are love**  
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	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Stargate, so quit asking!

**A/N:** I am so sorry for the delay, in between exams, I've had a few health problems, but im over the worst and I'm back! also there is a spin off to this fic called Given up which can be found on my profile thanks to an idea from Spyridon. it can be read with this fic, or on its own (at least i think it might be able to be read on its own)

Jack sighed as he sat down on the sofa in his living room. He was at the end of his tether; he didn't know what to do.

When Daniel seemed to open up to Cassandra he had thought it was a good sign, but Daniel had just returned back to his previous, almost catatonic state once she had left with the others. Rebuffing Jacks aid in getting him upstairs.

He lifted the phone to his right and quickly dialled what was becoming a well used number.

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It was late as Janet stirred from her sleep to the sound of a ringing phone. She groped at the edge of her bed for her nightstand and answered the phone.

'Hello?' she yawned down the phone

'I'm sorry for calling late' replied a familiar and worn sounding voice

'Colonel!' she quickly sat up in her bed, worriedly wondering why he had called so late, 'is it Daniel, is something wrong?'

'yeah, it is' he said, a pain stabbing him in the chest as if he was betraying his friend somehow, 'I thought I could help him, but I don't know if I can do this on my own, I know I'm not really on my own, but...'

'Colonel, it's alright, I understand. Look, we want to keep him as far away from Mackenzie as humanly possible. I could prescribe him something, but if I do it will have to go down on his record...'

'I would have said that was a concern a while ago, but now I don't care, I just want to see some of him come back to me, he's just a shell'

'I'll come round first thing tomorrow morning and see what needs to be done, but I think I have just the thing in mind, I'm debating between 2 different pills, I think tomorrow I'll be better able to judge.

**A/N:** I know its short, but this is only a little bit of filler before the next chapter, please review, as reivews are love!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** It's the same as always, blah blah blah. I DON'T OWN STARGATE!

**A/N: **well here is the next big chapter, i hope it doesn't disapoint.

Daniel lay down on his bed, and curled up into a ball. The whole world seemed like it was swirling, he couldn't get away from it. Every single second it felt like his mind was plaguing him, taunting him with possibilities that screamed at him to cut, to scratch to do anything that would help him feel free, if only for a minute.

With his eyes tightly shut and humming to himself he failed to notice the entry of Jack into his room, but one eye slowly opened when he felt the bed dip as Jack sat down at the edge.

Daniel suddenly felt exposed and pulled at the covers of his bed so that he could cover himself, to cover his arms and his legs from Jack's view.

'Daniel, I've talked to Janet, she is going to be coming over in the morning'

When Daniel didn't respond, Jack sighed. Glancing down at his hands he felt his heart sink, he felt like Daniel was lost to him.

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Early the next morning Janet knocked loudly on the front door. Jack who had been sitting waiting for her bounded off the sofa, ignoring the twinge his knee gave as he headed towards the door.

He did his best to full heartedly smile at her, but his heart wasn't in it. He hadn't been able to sleep with his feelings of guilt at having supposedly betrayed Danny.

'Colonel, did you get any sleep?' said the diminutive Doctor as she took in his haggard features, 'rough night?'

He grunted in response and allowed the Doctor to enter.

Trying to be chirpy despite the sombre atmosphere within the house, she cheerfully asked, 'so where's the patient?'

Jack pointed up the stairs while running his fingers through his hair, 'second room on the right, can you...' his stomach churned, 'can you check his arms, can you see if he's been...'

Janet stopped him in his tracks, 'it okay Colonel, I understand'

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She slowly headed up the stairs, deep down she had to admit she was probably just as afraid as the Colonel was, and she was sure so were the rest of the team.

She knew what he had been referring to, and she sighed, she had suspected as much. She had seen signs of it, even seen him scratching, but instead of being professional she had allowed her friendship to cloud her vision and disguise the truth.

Knocking on his door lightly, she slowly popped her head round the door, 'Daniel, it's Janet' she said to the slight raised bump hidden by blankets on the bed.

Entering the room she walked over to the bed, and unknowingly mimicked the Colonels actions from the previous night as she sat on the bed.

'How are you feeling today?'

Getting no response she sighed and stood up and walked over to the edge of the bed and knelt down so that she was eye to eye with Daniel.

'I need to check your bandages and see how you're healing, you don't have to talk to me, but it would be nice if you did.' She smiled sweetly at him, hoping she could charm into agreeing.

Fortunately Daniel seemed to be compliant, and slowly got up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, gripping his torso in one of his infamous self hugs. Still the damage he had caused himself was still evident across his arms and legs. Janet tried not to show her shock at the sight and pulled her kit closer and began to look over his old bandages.

'Cassandra has been asking after you, she wants to come over. I was thinking it would be nice if we all got together tomorrow night, what do you think?' she asked as she finished removing one of the bandages and slowly applied Iodine to the wound.

'I guess'

With her head bowed as she searched her kit bag, she quickly smiled. She had gotten a response.

'Well that's settled then, we'll be round for seven, Cassandra will be so excited!' Daniel seemed to smile at the mention of Cassandra's name.

'Well, we're almost done now. But I have to ask you something' she watched as she saw Daniel tense. Pointing at the scratches that lined his arms, she asked, 'did you do this to yourself?'

He looked away and seemed to almost shrink into himself further if that was humanly possible. She took that as a silent yes.

Sitting beside him, worried she had pushed a little too far she placed a hand on his knee and decided to level with him 'Daniel, what you are doing is Self Harm, also commonly known as Self Injury'

Pulling away from her he quietly sobbed, 'no!'

'Daniel, everyone is concerned, but we can't help unless you open up'

'But it isn't, I have control' he cried.

'Oh honey, I'm not going to push you to open up.' Quickly changing the subject to something she hoped would help Daniel as well, 'I've come here with two different possibilities of a prescription, three if you want more choice. I want you to try at least one of them.'

She saw his horrified look and quickly finished, 'but the choice is yours as to which you will use, you have control over that' she stressed the word control and watched as something seemed to dawn in Daniels head, and breathed a sigh of relief as she saw understanding, perhaps even acceptance.

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Jack was pacing around his living room when she finally came down the stairs; she looked tired, but strangely satisfied.

It was the quiet smile that seemed to skirt around her lips that claimed his attention, and his heat seemed to skip a beat as he waited for her to say something, anything.

'Sir, you look like you need to sit down' she said her eyes staring at him with slight disapproval of his pacing. However his heart slowly feared what she had to say.

'I think he will be fine eventually' Jack looked like he was about to say something so she quickly raised a hand and silence caught hold of his response.

'We still have some huge hurdles to overcome, but I think we have managed the first. He has accepted medication. Medication which I let him choose, to let him feel some sort of control over his life. I explained the differences between Chlorodiazepoxide and Citalopram, I did toy with the idea of Diazepam 2 but I left him choose between the other two. As you will be keeping an eye on him, he should get 1 20mg tablet of Citalopram a day, perhaps you could let him have a few to hold onto...'

The words seemed to die on her lips, up until this point the Colonel had been nodding in agreement, but now he didn't look so positive, 'is that such a good idea Doc?'

'I only mean letting him have possession of 3-5 tablets at a time to start off with, I'm as worried as you are, and although there is the fear of an overdose, he can't do much damage with 3-5 tablets, now don't get me wrong, any overdose is dangerous but this way he can feel he has control over something, it's better than his alternative for control.

Jack simply had to nod in agreement; Janet was right, as always.

**A/N:** please review, as reviews are love!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate SG-1

**A/N:** yay! i updated quite quickly, now i have to go back to my homework sigh

The following night Jack was quickly putting the final touches to his Barbecue when his attention was drawn away by a swift knock at his front door. That knock could only mean Teal'c.

Shouting in to Daniel who was sitting silently on the sofa, 'can you answer that Daniel?'

Knowing that he wouldn't get a reaction he simply accepted that Daniel would answer it.

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'Daniel Jackson' boomed Teal'c, 'I hope you are well'

'Same for me!' said Sam as her head appeared past Teal'c who had managed to take over the majority of the doorframe.

Daniel just nodded his head, and stood back to allow them to enter.

It was at this point that Jack glanced up again in response to the cheerful sounds of his friends, 'Hey kids!'

Teal'c headed over to where Jack had called him from leaving Sam to talk to Daniel.

Sam took hold of Daniels arm and steered him to the sofa where they sat down.

'Daniel honey, how are you feeling?' she knew it wasn't necessarily the best question, but she needed to know something.

'Okay I guess'

'Well that's great' she said as she cupped his face, her heart ached as his face seemed almost blank.

'You coming outside?'

He nodded and she headed outside, constantly checking that he was actually following her.

'Colonel! She exclaimed on seeing him arguing the best way to barbecue with Teal'c.

'Carter, good to see you! Daniel you're out.' He said as a small smile touched his lips.

Daniel looked over at him and then sat down in one of the lounge chairs as his arms wrapped around his him in an infamous self hug.

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It was half an hour later when there was another knock at the door, but the banter between most of the team was such that no-one noticed until Daniel stood up to answer the door.

Before he opened the front door he rested a hand on the door frame and sighed, why was he even trying to fit in with his dead friends, they should hate him and yet they didn't and he couldn't comprehend why.

He opened the door finally and tried his best to look cheerful to Janet and Cassandra, who had run forward and hugged him, 'Uncle Danny!' it took him a second to overcome his shock and he then placed his hand on her back.

Janet simply smiled and left Cassandra with Daniel.

Cassandra grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the sofa a worried look etched on her face.

'You're feeling better right Uncle Danny? Mum said you would be, and that your were getting there slowly, she's right isn't she?'

'I-I guess she is' she stammered slightly taken aback.

'You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I know all about the Stargate'

'I know I can, but I shouldn't, it...' but he swiftly cut off by Cassandra.

'You can talk to me I'm not a kid you know'

'But you are' he tried to stress.

'I was but my life was changed, the Stargate made me grow up, I was changed forever and I can't turn back the clock and undo what has been done'

'Neither can I'

Cassandra edged over on the sofa and grabbed him into a hug. She remained in place as she felt tears sting her shoulders.

'You can't survive unless you're open about what happened; you're such an open person, what happened to make you clam up?'

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The Goa'uld smiled as Daniel was brought before him. This Tauri had proven to be stubborn, but he would break, they always did.

'Kree Jaffa'

Daniel was pushed closer to the Goa'uld who slowly raised Daniels head towards him, he tried to pull away but the grip on his chin held him tight.

'Your friends are dead' he laughed

'You're wrong' spat Daniel

The Goa'uld growled and screamed in anger, the white of his eyes flashing dangerously as his hand device glowed ominously.

Raising his hand up, Daniel closed his eyes he knew what was coming.

Energy burst out of his hand and collided with Daniels head, Daniel bit down on his lip to keep from screaming, the white hot pain seared across his forehead, burning everything in its path. His head felt like it would explode in agony, he felt something run down his chin and was loathe to admit it was his own blood. His friends would come for him, he knew it.

'no-one gets left behind' Jack had once said that to him and he clung on to that belief as he felt the intense pain decrease as the hand device stopped. He slumped forward, unable to prevent himself, as strong hands gripped into his arms to prevent him from falling to the ground.

'They're dead, and I can prove it' signalling to some Jaffa to his right they brought forward a golden orb which they place on the ground.

Daniel starred in horror as light burst forth from the orb and he was forced to watch.

XXXXXXXXXX

'CARTER! Where's Daniel?' shouted Jack.

'Sir, I don't know, he was right behind me!' she cried back all the while continuing to fire at the ever increasing number of Jaffa.

'Daniel Jackson is over there' boomed Teal'c as he swung his staff weapon round and fired at ever more Jaffa.

'Daniel, Damnit!' shouted Jack over to Daniel who was running towards his friends, 'I'm coming Jack!' he cried back.

Sam turned for a split second to see Daniel coming towards them; it was then that a staff weapon caught her side. Her face lit up in surprise as she fell to the ground, 'Sir!' she cried

Jack glanced to his side to see Sam fall, he wanted to rush over to her but he couldn't.

'Carter!' he yelled back as he turned once again to Daniel, 'Danny, come on!' he shouted as he lay down cover for Daniel. He cursed loudly as he saw the Jaffa closing in on them, once Daniel was here he could dial the gate and they could get out of here.

Teal'c had rushed to Sam's side and continued to shoot at the Jaffa, but no matter how many seemed to fall from the blasts of his staff weapon more seemed to be appearing.

Jack was torn between Sam, Teal'c and Daniel. There was nothing he could do for Sam now, but his worry overrode his logic and he braved a glance in her direction, quickly turning round again he failed to notice the burning sensation in his side. He had been shot. A moment or two later he fell to his knees on the ground, he continued to try and shoot at the Jaffa, but in his current position he was powerless as he was shot in the chest and finally let out one final gasp as he fell to the ground.

'O'Neill!' shouted Teal'c.

He moved in-between his two fallen comrades, and took over Jacks job of laying down cover for Daniel, he couldn't comprehend what was taking Daniel Jackson so long.

'Daniel Jackson, you must hurry!' he shouted over to him.

He kept firing, but it seemed like a never ending battle, there was no way he could do this alone, he had taken on hundreds of Jaffa before, but that was with support, and for every Jaffa that he downed, and two seemed to take his place.

He was surrounded and he tried to fire all around him, I was as he quickly turned to fire at a Jaffa that was threatening his current position, that he felt something burn into his back. Breathing in, he ignored the pain and continued to fight. However the Jaffa now seemed to have been encouraged by the fact that one of them had finally shot Teal'c, their attention turned solely onto Teal'c.

He tried to take down as many as he could as suddenly all shots were aimed at him.

Daniel kept running towards Teal'c firing his hand gun towards the Jaffa, but felt useless as he hardly made a dent on their numbers.

Teal'c could see out of the side of his eye Daniel firing on the Jaffa, as blasts hit their target and he felt himself fall to his knees; he simply nodded over at Daniel as his eyes closed for their last time.

'No!' cried Daniel as he kept running towards his team mates. He could feel tears roll down his cheeks, it had all happened so fast, if he had just been able to keep up, he stumbled once as a burning sensation ate at his knee but he kept going, he had to get to the team, he had to dial the gate; he could feel desperation tug at his heart.

He struggled to keep going as the sight of his friends was eclipsed as he was surrounded by Jaffa.

XXXXXXXXXX

'No! It wasn't like that' he cried, 'they got away, I saw them, they got away...'

'They died, you held them back, and they fought and died for you' laughed the Goa'uld

'No!' cried out Daniel again, struggling away from the Jaffa on either side of him, he wanted to lunge at the Goa'uld. It hadn't happened that way, it couldn't have. But there was the proof, doubt gnawed at him as he tried to replay the events of his capture over in his head, but his head hurt too much for it to be clear, all he could see in his head was what he had just seen, he had killed them.

**A/N: **please review, as reviews are love!


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate SG-1

**A/N:** I am so sorry, it has been ages since i updated. Things have been chaotic, health issues, school, exams... RL has not been nice, and my escape in writing fanfic left me as my muse ran off. She hasnt returned, but i felt so bad leaving this fic as it was, that i had to update.

Jack watched over as Daniel seemed to talk to Cassandra, she nodded occasionally, but Daniel seemed to be holding it all in.

He sighed as he prodded one of the now well burnt burgers.

He signalled over to Janet who came over to his side.

'Is that wise doc?'

'don't worry I had a chat with her before we came, I think it's important Daniel can talk to someone, I'm hoping that after his talk with Cassie he will feel able to talk to me'

'I hope you're right Doc, I hope you're right'

XXXXXXXXXX

Sam and Teal'c had made their goodbyes and it was just Janet, Jack, Cassandra and Daniel left.

Cassandra was running rings round Daniel as she showed off her latest dance routine, as Janet helped finish up the clearing up of the kitchen with Jack.

'Can you keep an eye on Cassie for me? I'm just going to take Daniel up the stairs to bed' she said with small wink to Jack.

Jack nodded his understanding, 'Cassie, how about helping your Uncle Jack over here, your mum needs to do her medical mumbo jumbo with Uncle Danny.'

XXXXXXXXXX

'Come on Daniel, let's get you up to bed, I need to give you a quick check up before you go to sleep, ok?'

Daniel nodded. A smile touched her lips, at least she had a response; things were looking up, even if it was slow.

As Daniel sat on the bed, she pulled out an aneroid sphygmomanometer and began to check his blood pressure. Daniel closed his eyes.

'I'm sorry' he said softly, so softly Janet strained to hear it.

'For what? There is nothing to be sorry for'

'I'm sorry; I don't mean to hurt you guys'

'Oh Danny, you don't, it's just hurts us to see you in pain, that's all. And that isn't something you can control'

'But it is, I-I just... I want to stop I think.'

'Well that's good to hear; you know we'll be with you every step of the way, right?'

Daniel didn't respond.

The smile that had touched her lips faded a little.

'You can tell them'

'If that's what you want' she replied glad not to have mentioned that the team had already guessed to an extent.

There was a period of silence as she listened to the brachial pulse.

'It won't matter if you tell them or not, there is nothing they can do anyway'

'Daniel that's not true'

'they aren't real, I'm mad, I know it's true, please don't lie to me just... don't let Mackenzie get me, please?'

'He won't get anywhere near you, but trust me, they are real ok? And you aren't mad; you are just in a lot of pain emotionally.' She said, 'well your blood pressure is ok, and everything else seems to be in working order, I have a little booklet I will get photocopied for you, it's a work booklet, as I know how much you like to work. It should help you out a little with everything that's going on at the minute.'

'Thanks' Daniel responded, now lying on his back eyes closed.

Janet left the room, the smile that touched her lips springing to life again.

XXXXXXXXXX

Janet entered the kitchen and signalled for Jacks attention, 'Colonel, I think the talk with Cassandra has done some good'

'That good news, did he say anything?'

'He did, quite a bit actually, I'm impressed, however these are early days, in about 2 weeks time we will see if the medication is having any effect, and then I can make a more accurate prognosis. He wants to stop'

Jack looked confused for a minute, and then realisation dawned in his eyes.

'That is good news then' he said as he took a sip from a beer bottle.

'I had better be going; it's well past Cassie's bedtime'

'No worries Doc' said Jack as he helped Janet gather up their coats and led them to the door.

'I'll be round again tomorrow, I have work booklet for Daniel'

'That's great, I'll see you then' he said as he waved them off to their car.

XXXXXXXXX

Jack found himself in front of his computer researching what was happening to Daniel.

He typed in Self Injury into Google, glancing at the results, he flinched at images of videos in YouTube, however he found websites galore, some promising areas dedicated to friends and family. Taking in a deep breath he clicked on one of the links.

**A/N:** Please review, as reviews are love!


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate SG-1

**A/N:** Its been a while and I am sorry for the wait for this chapter. I want to say a big thank you to Madders Ahatter who kind of kick started me to do this chapter and of course to everyone who reviews. I hope you like this chapter and please do R&R and let me know what you think.

Jack found himself in front of his computer researching what was happening to Daniel.

He typed in Self Injury into Google, glancing at the results, he flinched at images of videos in YouTube, however he found websites galore, some promising areas dedicated to friends and family. Taking in a deep breath he clicked on one of the links.

XXXXXXXXXX

There was a message board that was for friends and family, it seemed friendly enough so he registered. As he waited for the email with the link for him to confirm his registration he had enough time to wonder what he was going to say.

'Hi, I'm new here and my friend self injures, it all seemed to start after a mission to another planet'

There was no way he could be truthful, but he had registered now, and this was for Daniel. He wanted to understand, to help and if this might work, then it was worth it.

XXXXXXXXX

He started a new thread but found himself at a loss as to what to say. Closing his eyes he decided to go for it.

Username: EmeraldOZ

I'm new here. My friend is self injuring and I don't know what to do. He was attacked and it was really bad, he thought me and his friends were killed in the attack, by the time we had got him back from his attackers he was convinced we had all died, and nothing I can do can make him see otherwise, we are all a figment of his imagination and he is 'punishing' himself for not saving us or at least I think he is, I really don't know what he is thinking. He is on medication now, he has just started and I don't know if I should let him have the medication. I'm worried he might do something. I'm at a loss really, I want him to open up, but in reality I'm not sure if I want to hear what he has to say.

He looked at what he had typed and contemplated deleting his post, but he hesitated for a moment, looking over what he had written again he sighed and clicked enter to post the thread. He hadn't said anything too revealing and perhaps someone would be able to give him some advice. He hated being so open and honest, and physically cringed when he read what he wrote. This amount of openness wasn't normal for him, but somehow it felt easier on the internet to talk about how this whole thing with Daniel was affecting him.

Leaning back in his chair he tilted his head as he looked at the website. It did seem harmless enough; in fact there was a section for people with personal experience of self injury. An idea occurred to him, but he quickly decided to wait to see what the response to his post was first. Daniel had always had his six in the field and now he would have his six on the internet.

Logging off the website he turned off the computer and stood up glancing up the stairs to where he knew Daniel was. Things would get better, they had to.

XXXXXXXXXX

The morning light crept into Jacks bedroom illuminating everything in its site with a truthful glare and Jack sighed as he rubbed at his eyes and looked at the mess his bed had become. It seemed worrying for his friend was affecting his trademark sleeping habits.

Getting out of bed he walked towards the bathroom next door grabbing a shirt lying on a chair nearby to cover his bare torso ignoring the fact that it clashed with his pyjamas trousers.

Staring at himself in the reflection he couldn't help but notice the lines that creased his face as he completed his morning routine; Face, Hands and Teeth. His hair could wait.

Creeping down his corridor he pushed open the door to Daniels room and was pleased to see his friend was fast asleep, and it appeared somewhat restful.

Closing the door he continued his way downstairs, his curiosity level raised wondering if his post to this website had yielded any results.

XXXXXXXXXX

As soon as the door closed, Daniel opened his eyes and let out the breath he was holding in.

He hadn't meant to deceive Jack, or at least the Jack his mind had created, but he couldn't face him. He had admitted that he wanted to stop, but that idea seemed impossible. When Janet had talked to him and given his actions a name it had struck a chord. The words had sort of fitted, and yet they hadn't. Self Injury, Self Harm, he tried each description out, letting the words roll off his tongue but making sure he was quiet enough not to alert Jack to him.

He knew that this was what he was doing, but although now having something to call it made it less scary, it also made it seem less personal. It wasn't truly his, and besides he wasn't that bad surely?

A scratch, a burn... they didn't really deserve the label of self injury, it seemed so rough, so course.

Moving so that his back was the Headboard he pulled the blankets around him closer and looked down at his arms. Slowly allowing his fingers to trace over the recent injuries he closed his eyes and allowed his head to fall back against the headboard.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jack was letting his computer load when there was a knock at the door. Looking up from where he sat he wracked his brains as to who it could be. The he remembered what Janet had said, she was going to be coming over today. He should have known she would be here this early; she had to go to the base and work after all.

Rising and going to the door, he glanced down at himself and resigned himself to his current state of attire, Janet had after all seen him at his worst after all the missions the team had been on, his pyjamas weren't going to shock her.

Opening the door he nodded at Janet and swung the door open to allow her entry.

'I brought that booklet'

Jack looked puzzled for a minute and Janet opened her mouth to respond but Jack was quicker.

'Yeah, that booklet, I found a website last night, I think it might help Daniel'

Janet arched an eyebrow at this in a way that reminded Jack of Teal'c.

'Now come on Janet! I'm not as technologically impaired as you guys all think I am'

'That may be the case Colonel, however are you sure the internet is a good idea, there are websites...'

'Way ahead of you, I've scoped it out and found a good website; so far everything seems to be rosy in Oz'

There was a creaking sound and Jack and Janet looked up to see Daniel standing on the staircase.

'Good to see you up Danny!'

Daniel simply nodded, seeing Janet made him blanche a little, she expected him now to stop his self injury, but it couldn't just be that simple.

'I brought you a booklet for you to have a look at Daniel. None of us will look at it' she said glancing quickly at Jack, 'it's yours to do with as you will, but I'd appreciate it if you had a look at it. I'll be coming back after work today for a quick check up.'

Daniel continued on down the stairs and took the booklet from Janet's proffered hand and then moved over to the sofa in Jacks living room and sat down opening the booklet to the first page.

Janet turned to face Jack, 'I'll be back after work today, the booklet might upset him, but it is for the best in the long run'

'A lot like your infamous tetanus injections!' joked Jack

'Colonel, I am offended, you'd just better hope it's not me who give you your next one. Bye Daniel, Jack' she said as she turned and left the house.

Jack waved her off and looked over at where Daniel was sitting, he was unnervingly quiet.

'Danny?'

'mmm... Yes Jack?'

'Breakfast?'

'I guess' Daniel replied lowering the booklet to the coffee table in front of him and rising to follow Jack into the Kitchen.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jack tried not to look at the injuries that he could see on Daniels arms as he poured out Orange Juice. From what he had read online the previous night, self injury was a private thing that was usually done in secret and covered up, and yet Daniels was on display so to speak. Looking away quickly he tried to understand it. All the websites had said it wasn't attention seeking and yet Daniels was clearly visible, granted Daniel didn't have much in the way of clothes to choose from during his stay at Jacks. He still wasn't really hiding his injuries. Or was he?

The Injuries on Daniels arms seemed old enough, perhaps Daniel had simply moved onto another part of his body. Jack suddenly was thankful that all the clothes Daniel had with him were short sleeved, at least it gave Jack some sense of control over the situation as he could a part of what was happening.

As the toast popped, he turned and grabbed at it, burning his fingers somewhat on the bare metal of the toasters insides. The sudden pain that occurred and then disappeared made him realise something. Daniel wasn't hiding his self injury as he thought Jack wasn't real. Perhaps this apparent move to hide it signalled a change in the waters.

**A/N:** Please review as reviews are love.


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